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I took a nap today. As I laid my head on my abundance of puffy pillows, I whispered to my bed, “I love you.” My nap was refreshing and healing.

Moral of the Story: Naps in comfort are awesome. May all of our naps be refreshing and healing.

Howdy! I haven’t written in a long while again. My apologies.

In January, I had major back surgery to repair about eight different problems. The good news: It worked! As I type this, I’m sitting up straight, and in (almost) no pain! I didn’t realize before surgery why it hurt to sit up straight, but it felt good to slouch. That’s because my back was, as my primary care provider said, “So Fucked Up!”

I have had leg pain for about 30 years on and off. I’ve always had back pain when bending over that tiny bit to wash dishes and do laundry. Laundry is quick, so I’ve never thought about it. But dishes are not so quick. When I was little and told my mom that my back hurt when I washed dishes, she said it was all in my head. So that’s what I’ve thought all these decades.

I woke up one morning in February or March of 2020, fed all of the kitties, and within 15 minutes, my left leg hurt so bad, I would have welcomed it to be cut off from the hip to the toes. I drove myself (no stick shift) to immediate care. They said it was most likely my sciatica, gave me steroid injections, and told me to call my doctor for a follow up soon.

My primary care provider is awesome … which makes her difficult to get into. Instead, I saw Eric Anderson at Bronson on South 9th Street in Kalamazoo. He was AMAZING! He was a dog with a bone and NEVER gave up on finding an answer. After each visit when I said I was still having trouble, he’d order another test, such as these: X-ray, blood flow scan, EMG (OUCH!!!), and finally an MRI.

The pain was never in my legs. It was from my back. For decades, the damage has been compounding to the problem at hand: My tailbone and the eight vertebrae above were a tangled mess. We don’t know if it is genetic or from the same cow kick that is the cause of my migraines at the top of my spine and the bottom of my skull. No matter, the damage was present and tremendously painful.

When I was a tween, we had a cow named Camel. She was over half a foot taller than all the other cows, weighed 300 pounds more, and was a mean lotta lady cow. Most cows can only kick in and forward. This toots could kick out and back. She threw all of us back against the concrete call of the barn. But they were adults. I was around 10 years old. And I’m a farmer’s daughter. You don’t just go to the doctor for a bruise on your chest. Please! Shake it off and keep on going.

However, my dad also had nearly the same surgery when he was in his 60’s. He’d always said chiropractors were quakes … until his left leg hurt so bad, he took up my sister’s suggestion for her chiropractor. Dad saw the chiropractor for over five years. He finally told my dad he would not see him anymore because the only solution was surgery. Dad wasn’t thrilled and put surgery off another two years. Then he was shocked to have the surgery and … get this … NO more leg pain! NONE!

I am the same. I went into the hospital the morning of the surgery with pain in my right hip running like a small flame to and from my knee cap. (That’s just one example of the various leg pains I’ve had on and off for decades.) I too came out of surgery and haven’t had ANY leg pain since! It’s only been 10 weeks for me, but that’s a LONG time for me to go without ANY leg pain. JOY!!!

Moral of the Story:

Get It Checked Out! I know going to the doctor is a pain … in SO many ways. But the doctor was shocked I’d never told anyone it hurt to do dishes … every single time. The same type of pain in the same places. One person told me it was all in my head, and that was it.

Don’t be like me! Get help. Share. Talk. Ask. Ask. Ask. If necessary, get second and third opinions. The X-ray and EMG told the doctor a small portion of my pain, but that crazy expensive and hard to get MRI told a full and complete story of the mess that was me.

Be like me and get less messy.

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated this blog. My mind is always writing for it, but my fingers are doing other things, like the job that pays for my cats to have a good life, or the medical insurance that helps treat the migraines, or the craft projects I intend to do, but they fall by the wayside, just like this blog.

Today, I feel I have the time and headspace to write. It is Christmas, and I wish you joy at however you celebrate … I just hope you celebrate and find joy in each day. Yes, easier said than done, but I find it vital to my survival.

This Christmas day started slow with church online and getting ready to take my mom to lunch with my brother. My brother walked up through the snow to my home, next door to his. We went across town to pick mom up at her memory care home. She said she was so glad to get out, and it had been ages since she’d seen any family. As with Alzheimer’s, she didn’t recall that I was with her and a friend last week to take her to dinner and shopping.

She first greeted my brother at the car as her brother, but by the times she was buckled (we hadn’t corrected her), she asked how he was doing by name. That’s the thing with this type of memory loss: it’s hit or miss and random. Last time, she thought he was her brother, so we played along. This time, she figured it out. No telling for next time.

At lunch, she let me order for her, since she often doesn’t know what to order, and I know what she likes at that restaurant. It was, of course, a Chinese restaurant, because it’s open on Christmas day. She has always loved their crab-meat rangoons, and she started in heartily on them when they arrived. Getting her to slow down was no easy task, but she was happy like a child, and we didn’t want to take away her happiness.

During our time at the restaurant, which was nearly two hours, since they are in demand on Christmas for both dine in and take out, she asked the same questions over and over as usual:

• Is my mom alive?
• Where do you live?
• Bruce, do you work?
• What is the name of this restaurant?

• Are my parents alive?
• Where do you live?
• Bruce, what type of work do you do?
• Is this an Asian restaurant?

• Where are my parents?
• What house do you live in?
• Bruce, where do you work?
• What is the name of this restaurant?

Fortunately today, the loop was about 5 minutes between each set of four questions. Sometimes it feels like a 30-second loop. I am getting better at calmly answering all of her questions, no matter how many times she repeats them. Today was a good day, and I didn’t get flustered. Okay, there was once in the car, but that’s because she wanted me to say “Yes”, but she thought I was saying “What”, so she kept repeating herself louder and louder, as did I, until I screamed “I said Yes”. I felt awful, but then she started in on her questions again, and I was glad she didn’t notice the outburst.

So far, we’re able to tell her that her parents have passed on. She has no tears yet. When she does, we’ll change the story. Or maybe she won’t have tears. Everyone is different.

During lunch, when she asked about the house I live in, I pulled up a photo on my phone. She didn’t recognize it. I showed her a few angles, and she still didn’t recognize it. This is a VERY good thing. Part of the Alzheimer’s for her is her anger. The screaming over anything she didn’t understand was vicious until she entered memory. We’ve been afraid to bring her by the house at all. I actually thought I never would.

After lunch, I took Bruce home, explaining he lives in the house our great grandparents built. She thought that was interesting. I told her about the apple storage and pointed it out, and she still had no recognition. As I drove on by the big barn on the ag drive instead of the road, she said she recognized it … from photographs. “Whose barn is it?” Ah, so she still didn’t know that she spent 50 years living here. Lastly, I drove by our house, and she had zero recognition of it.

Today’s lack of knowing doesn’t mean she’ll still not know tomorrow or the next day. Memory is hit or miss, and what is gone today may be here tomorrow. Also, the snow may have thrown her off. But I may try a drive by again one day.

Last year, I drove by the home she grew up in. For a month she screamed that someone had stolen her home, and she had to go there now to take it back. I haven’t made that mistake again. Yet her memory is fading, and she may not have the same reaction today. However, I am still weary of taking the chance.

This is just how it is. It’s a progression of it’s own kind, and I understand it won’t get any better. Folks say they are sorry or how sad it is. Yet I am not feeling that myself. Granted, if she knew she had Alzheimer’s, she’d want assisted suicide, hands down. She wouldn’t want to be a burden or take up medical space knowing there’s no hope for this disease. I fully agree for myself. But our state does not permit that.

What my mom and dad did do over 20 years ago was buy long-term care insurance. Most people are like my dad and pass on before they need it, so there are very few active policies. For my mom’s policy, it is three years of days. She had a number of days of home care in the year before moving into memory care, so her policy will end at some point in the next year. It has been a tremendous blessing, and the company is easy to work with, outside of the trees worth of paperwork.

The reason I don’t feel sad is that for the situation, she has the best possible care with the best possible insurance and the best possible outcome. She is in a place that will care for her until her last days. If she needs to use medicaid, they will accept it. If she needs two-person bed care, she’ll receive it. If she needs her nails painted, they’ll do it. She’s in a safe place where she cannot hurt herself or others. The staff dote on her.

Knowing this disease does not allow for recovery, we’re in the best possible place we could be with her long-term care plan, Heritage being an all inclusive care home, and that she has support from me and others. It is also fortunate that she just thinks she has poor memory, and not that she has Alzheimer’s. Whens she brings up her poor memory, I say that we all get that way one day. It’s the truth for enough of us, that I feel it’s an honest enough answer.

Moral of the Story: I never thought I’d feel this way with this disease, but my mom set herself up to receive excellent long-term medical care. I need to do the same. We all should, knowing this disease is rampant and homes like hers are hard to find space in anymore.

What is up with people? I was at a Walgreen’s Pharmacy drive-up, and I’d been there a while. Not by choice, but because it was taking them a long time to figure out anyone had signed up for a COVID test today (since there were few spots open when I scheduled last night, there must have been more than a few of us seeking the test).

After about 15 minutes, the car behind me starts honking and screaming for me to get out of the way … because they had a COVID test appointment. I heard all of this perfectly clear with just my driver’s window down from the car behind me. I just put my hands up in the air, like “I don’t know”. And they honked and screamed all the louder.

It’s not like they were going to get their test any faster since the lady was clearly printing out paperwork for numerous of us. And you can’t get the test without multiple trees worth of paper on their end. Thank goodness I just got a receipt and a sheet of where to look for the results.

Finally, the pharmacist comes to the window, puts out the test, I do the swabby thing, turn it in, and drive forward just enough for them so I can stop and blow my nose from doing the swabby thing.

Then I thought, maybe I should have stayed there to blow my nose, and not pulled ahead. But that’s not the Christian thing to do. And I shouldn’t return blatant anger with passive aggressive anger. But part of me still wishes I had. The human in me wants both compassion and revenge.

Again, I ask, what is up with people? They had no idea why I was there. They had no idea if I was getting a prescription test or a COVID test. I pray we can slow down in life and respect each other.

Although later, I was backing out of a parking place, and no cars were nearby. A car whips in the drive of the store, and nearly hits me … all the while honking and screaming at me. I was nearly out of my spot, and I saw them come slamming into the lot, so I know I wasn’t at fault. Except maybe I was at fault for using a parking space designated to be used for the business I was leaving.

Sorry for the rant. I pray for patience and peace and more patience again.

Moral of the story: What is up with people?!?!?!?

So this is how perimenopause is going: I just joined 15 groups on facebook about it. The migraine and dementia groups have helped a lot. Over time, I may add or remove groups as I learn which help most.

I finished listening to What Fresh Hell Is This by Heather Corinna (they/them). It’s a fantastic book, and I’m anxiously awaiting my paper copy. They provided too many great tips and resources to even try to remember to write down when I parked.

In the meantime, I realized I’ve joined groups in the past that have been greatly beneficial. Now, we shall see. If you’re going down this path, and it’s particularly NOT fun, I’d love to chat.

Moral of the story: Seek help! Find resources. Get information. Join support groups of any kind – in person, video chats, facebook, email … whatever. Don’t go it alone. You’re never alone. Someone else is suffering too. When two or more can relate together, it divides the pain.

MAD now stands for Mischievous Adventures Daily. Why? Because it’s no longer just migraines and Alzheimer’s disease. Nope! There’s SO much more.

This morning some of the Bourner family descendants gathered for breakfast. We all wished more had joined, but we were glad for those we had with us. We talked, laughed, ate, and enjoyed each other. It is such a blessing to gather for the first time with this group since COVID started.

This week, I had a similar experience with colleagues. We gathered for the first time in person as a small group. We also wished more were with us, but we enjoyed everyone who was present. I had not seen my new supervisor in person since March 2020 (and she wasn’t my supervisor then). What a joy to hug each other!

Now that things are going back to normal-ish. I’m finding I am trying NOT to become overbooked. I need to select what I can both handle AND brings me joy AND doesn’t overwhelm my schedule. That’s not easy, and I am sad that I sometimes disappoint others. Yet this is life, and we all have these moments. My family and friends have these times too. We must give each other grace.

I was doing far too much pre-COVID. COVID put the breaks on my life in a way that I didn’t know I needed. I NEED down time. I NEED rest. I NEED time sitting and staring outside with a cat by my side. I NEED to sit under the little shelter outside in my antique yard chair in the dark of night.

As much as it is wonderful to be together again, it is also important to remember self-care. If you’re like me, and you NEED time alone or at least not out of the house, do it. Claim it. Do what you need to do to care for yourself.

Now that I am in deep with perimenopause (better known as menopause (and shorter to spell and say)), it is more important than before to be protective of my time alone. With symptoms of menopause, I am sometimes barely holding on:

• Hot (not) flashes (they are 90% of my waking hours)
• Chills with shivers in the middle of the night
• Vivid nightmares and dreams
• Crying over next to nothing
• Brain fog
• Fatigue
• UTI’s
• Increased anxiety
• Increased depression
• Increased IBS episodes

And that’s JUST the menopause … NOT the migraines, broken back, arthritis, and keeping an eye on my mom in memory care.

We all have something like this going on in our lives from time to time. This is normal. The hope is that these things will be short-lived and that our family and friends are supportive. Our response to these normal life happenings is what makes or breaks us. I try to make it with humor. Whatever helps you make it (without harming others), do it!

Moral of the story: Life is complicated. Sometimes our bodies make life more complicated. As Pastor Amee says, “Give yourself grace”.

Happy Holidays!

I sent out my 2021 Christmas cards last week. It included mom’s new address as of May 28, 2021. She’s been at Heritage one year now.

It also included that I’m not able to do birthday & anniversary cards this year. I just can’t. I actually missed November & December of 2021 too. My ducks are not only unable to get in a row: their feathers are too fluffy or falling out, their feet are two sizes too big or too small, and some are nearsighted while others are farsighted.

This blog series called MAD is suppose to stand for Migraines and Alzheimer Disease … but a few other things are popping up for me: IBS, Menopause (with many of it’s gloriously frustrating indicators), a broken back, and pain management. Maybe MAD could stand for something else. NOT Mutually Assured Destruction. Oye! How about Mischievous Adventures Daily? (That took me an hour to figure out!)

Well, that’s enough for me today.

Moral of the Story: Quit when you need to quit. Keeping on will just make messes … everywhere … at least for me. When enough is enough, go home to the cats … or walk out of the home office and sit with the cats. Relax, breathe, let your shoulders down.

Today was a God is Good Thing!

Last night, my modem died … because my kitty Joy got her head stuck in a glass of water and splashed it everywhere when she got it off … including all over my modem. Hence: dead modem and wet cat. No one was happy, and she didn’t appreciate my efforts to dry her off with a towel. Then it was a long time with Spectrum/Charter to help them realize that a dead modem is a dead modem and needs replacing. First thing this morning, I went to the local store to make the trade from dead to living.

On the way home, I stopped at McDonald’s for a breakfast treat, since I was in a foul mood and hoped it would cheer me. It REALLY cheered me because the wonderful person who handed me the sausage biscuit was non other than Rayna! We went to church camp together umpteen years ago.

Seeing her instantly cheered me! I adore and respect her, and it did my heart good to see her. All of my frustration immediately disappeared, and I felt joy at seeing a kind soul.

When I got home, I had to call a number to get the modem hooked up. I was told a 6 minute wait, but it was only 2. Then the person made the change right away, and I was back on the internet in under 3 minutes!

Extra phew, because I had a client appointment in 12 minutes. I didn’t want to miss that client meeting because she helps get BIPOC (Black, Indigenous, & People of Color) books into the community. She’s a sweetheart, and I am always inspired when speaking with her.

Today was a God is Good Thing!

Dear Lord of Love,

Might the day slow down? Perhaps the remainder will be calm, clean, and careful? A little less stress?

It all began last night when…

11:00 p.m. my eldest kitty got sick on my bed. Not urp, but poo. Sick poo. I cleaned as best I could and put it all in the laundry. Then I cuddles and cooed to my kitty, hoping she’d feel better.

1:00 a.m. the phone rang. No, it’s never good after midnight. But it wasn’t horrible either. Mom had fallen and needed to go to the ER for the 2nd time in a month. A couple of weeks ago she fell and cut open her finger. She’s wandering her room in the wee hours when she falls.

The same was happening at home … but I didn’t always hear her right away. Fortunately, they check on each person often throughout the day and night, so they know quickly. This time, she fell and hurt her neck. Fortunately, it’s just a sprain and no other injuries.

5:00 a.m. the ER Nurse called asking me to pick her up. I said no, that would be Heritage. They said, we know, but she’s insisting it’s you. Since I am in town, able to go, not sick, and such, I went.

8:00 a.m. I washed all of my bedding for a second time. It looked and smelled fine … but I just couldn’t yet. Another round won’t hurt it any.

9:00 a.m. work meeting. Phew! Nothing wrong here. This is a weekly team meeting, and it’s often short. I am blessed beyond measure to have a fantastic program manager and delightful colleagues.

10:30 a.m. finally enjoying the breakfast of champions! Shamrock Shake from McDonald’s. There’s not much on their menu I like, but they do okey dokey on beverages.

Lord of Love, thank you for already turning the day around. Thank you for being in my life and guiding this errant squirrel who can’t walk in a straight line to save her own life.

Amen!!!

Alzheimer’s sucks.

• It’s so random. I try to figure out where she is in time by the people she refers to. Sometimes she’s here today; other times, she’s in the 1950’s. The decade she is currently living in can change in a single visit. It’s wack-a-mole.
  
• In the last few weeks, my mom calls more and more asking why her mom isn’t listed on her phone for her to call. Her mom passed on several decades ago. Usually I say something like, “I haven’t spoken to her in a long time”, and mom figures out she’s gone. This makes her sad, but not inconsolable or too upset, and changing the subject helps … or talking about how awesome her mom was. (Truly, her mom was the best of the best.)
  
• Sometimes, after speaking to me for a while on the phone, she forgets who she is talking with. I get that, since there’s no visual clue.
  
• Yesterday was the first time she forgot me in person. But then I got to thinking, she may not have known me at all. When I arrived, they said, “Jean, your daughter Kim is here.” It isn’t bothering me because I keep hearing about this from the far too, too, too many who have already walked this path. Those who went before us on this journey are a great help in sharing their knowledge.
  
• Mom’s always been kind to those she doesn’t know well, so that’s a plus. She’s usually kind to me, but as her closest family member, I often get the brunt of all things that concern her in any way … and she can go from sweet to angry in a millisecond … and this is not new to Alzheimer’s … it’s just who she has always been with any of us descendants.
  
• Whether her ability to remember me is disconcerting to me or not, mom was very happy to go for a drive. She has always liked that. She was happy to go out even if we didn’t stop anywhere. Whether she knows me or not is not the priority. Whether she is happy or not is the priority, and the goal is for her to enjoy whatever time she has left.
  
• Any which way, we went for an hour drive to determine her stamina since she’s had COVID. She’s weak for sure. The cough seems to come and go. She’s also tired and her tummy is often upset. For now, I’ll just take her for drives to get out. I don’t want to wear her down and cause a relapse.
  
• Oh! Visiting hours have opened up. One still must wear a mask and have a recent negative COVID test. Otherwise, visitors are welcome most any time! Mom loves visitors. She’s a social being, and it’s not whether she remembers you are not (most of the time she’ll figure it out), but it’s about enjoying her while she’s here.